Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Subject: Mitch Hedberg Quotes Sun Mar 18, 2007 8:36 pm

Mitch Hedberg
02/24/1968 - 03/30/2005
US comedian

See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."

I can't tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved. Let's call this hotel "something Tree." So they had a meeting. It was quite short. "How about tree?" "No." "Double-tree?" "Hell, yeah!" Meeting adjourned!

I like to wear "Do-Not-Disturb" signs around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. I'd say "Hey, how you doing, nephew?" "Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"

I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk; she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here, some other woman answered. I said, "You sound older!"

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home; there's more to it than that. "Want some more homemade Sprite?" "Not 'til you figure out what the fuck else is in it!"

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it"!

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

I was going to have my teeth whitened, but then I said "Fuck that, I'll just get a tan instead."

You know, there's a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish, but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something.

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit.

I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar, that flaps goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "What candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"

If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament!"

I bought a house, it's a two-bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, don't you? Fuck you, real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that guy's house. "Sir, you've got one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!"

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed, wondering where my brother was.

[b]I don't have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cause the dude didn't even get his degree. Why'd you have to drop out and start makin' pop so soon?

I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes.

I saw on HBO, they were advertising this boxing match. They said "It's a fight to the finish." That's a good place to end.

I got an ant farm. Them fuckers didn't grow shit. I said, "C'mon, what about some celery? You fuckers don't farm! Plus if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen!"

I got a business card, 'cause I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner." Call me some time, maybe we'll have lunch... If I'm lucky!"

They said you can swear on XM radio. No shit, 'cause nobody can hear it. You can swear in the woods, too.

Subject: Re: Mitch Hedberg Quotes Sun Mar 18, 2007 8:38 pm

I think they could take sesame seeds off the market, and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!" They're gonna have to change that McDonald's song, "Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a ... bun." How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? Thats fucking magical! There's got to be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Take the sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular! What does a sesame seed grow into? I dunno, we never give them a chance. What the fuck is a sesame? It's a street. It's a way to open... shit.

You think when the guy came up with the idea to invent the bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?

I like the FedEx driver, because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time!

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. God dammit anyway!

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

I bought myself a parrot; the parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. Then when I finally walk in, the guy says "Can I help you?" "Just practicing!"

I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying "Hey, we ain't gotta fix shit!"

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was thirty seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool.

I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal. "Hey, you're using that machine to its exact purpose!"

I don't know how to fix a car. If my car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm fucked.

Every time I walk by a spy shop I think, I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy. I need to buy a little camera. I need to buy a safe that looks like a Coca-Cola can. Or better yet, a safe that looks like a Spray and Wash can. That would create better situations. "Hey Mitch, can I use the Spray and Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt…with documents!"

I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast, because I don't think I would, 'cause I figure, you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day, you start to get hungry. "Is that all you got around here? You need to direct me to a Chair, Lunch, Dinner."

I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck. And I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't supposed to be downtown; there's nothing for 'em there.

If you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, 'cause they have some kick-ass houses. That shit is on the lake. Lakeside my ass, lake-on!

I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.

But I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton. That's a cool story. It's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton. I've done that way more.

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

Xylophone is spelled with an X. It should be a Z. Xylophone ZZZ X, I don't fucking see it. Next time you spell Xylophone, spell it with a Z. If someone tells you you're wrong, say "No, I aint." If you think that that's wrong then you need to get your head Z-Rayed. It's like X didn't have enough to do so they had to promise it more. "Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but you will have a co-starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. And you will be equated with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing 'Christmas' easier. And you will incidentally start 'xylophone.' Are you happy now, you fucking X?"

Subject: Re: Mitch Hedberg Quotes Sun Mar 18, 2007 8:40 pm

I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I'd mess with his head. I'd say: "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing. It's just flat."

I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign, only "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Convenience."

I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever.

The last time I called shotgun, my friends had rented a limo, so I fucked up.

Me and my friends did acid in the woods, 'cause there was much less chance of running into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. And that is way more of a buzz kill. One of my friends was raising his right hand and swearing to prevent forest fires. Later, he came up to me and said, "Mitchell. Smokey is way more intense in person."

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's like the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. "Dammit, Otto, you're an alcoholic." "Dammit, Otto, you have lupus." One of those two doesn't sound right.

I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio?" "You should slow down." "Why we gotta keep going in circles?" "You really like Tide."

I'm not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "Fore", but I was too busy mumbling "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him." What's the par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an asshole.

It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows?

I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit... Unless you're a table.

Whenever I walk people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying "Here, you throw this away."

People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes, I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. "You look jittery." "Yeah, I'm about to floss."

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.

I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I'll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Hey man! Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...damn...I forgot it at home... it's in the filing cabinet...under D...for doughnut."

I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girl friend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to "slam the flap." How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick?

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrenes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes."

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi. Some one needs to tell the turkey, "Man, just be yourself." I used to draw you.

Subject: Re: Mitch Hedberg Quotes Sun Mar 18, 2007 8:42 pm

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I was writing a letter to my dad. I was going to write "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote "rarely" instead of "really". I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit tryin' to act as if I am a steamboat operator." I knew this letter took a harsh turn right away. Hello dad...

At the end of my letters I like to write "PS: This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I have cheese shredder at home. That's a positive name for a cheese shredder. They don't call it by it's negative name, because nobody would buy it: "sponge-ruiner."

In England, Smokie the Beer is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think that's a better system, I think we should adopt it, because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hoppin' towards me and I thought, 'Man, I better play dead! Here comes that frog!'

Having 3,000 dollars in your front pocket is a bad situation, I was buying some ridiculous shit, I bought an "emergency snake bite repair kit". I told my friends "Don't you even worry about snakes no more!". My friend stepped on a worm, I said "Lay down!" An emergency snake bite repair kit is a body bag.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever! Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the lights a bunch of koala bears scatter, and I don't want them to, and I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas! Lemme hold one of you. Feed you a leaf." Koala bears, they're so fucking cute. Why do they have to be so far away from me? We need to ship a few over, and I will apprehend one, and hold him, and pet him on the back of his head.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said "No...but I want a regular banana later, so yeah."

On a traffic light red means stop, yellow means slow down, and green means go. But on a banana it's the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead and red means "Where the fuck did you get that banana at?"

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

This shirt is "dry-clean only," which means it's dirty.

I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's three a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"

The other day I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping somebody move. I went over to his house and made sure he didn't start to move shit into a truck.

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