Steven Wright Quotes

Subject: Steven Wright Quotes Sun Mar 18, 2007 8:50 pm

Steven Wright
12-06-1955 -
US Actor, Writer, and Comedian

"Did you sleep good?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

"So, do you live around here often?"

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

A fool and his money are soon partying.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...then I put wax in the humidifier...now my room's all shiny.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?

How young can you die of old age?

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He's much smarter now... Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there, but I can't leave.

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one—it wasn't doing what I was doing.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

Subject: Re: Steven Wright Quotes Sun Mar 18, 2007 8:54 pm

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I have a box of powdered water. I never know what to add.

I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I just lost a buttonhole. [while looking at stage floor]

I know a man who is a midget dwarf, he's this tall. [holding his thumb and forefinger three inches apart] He poses for trophies.

I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the white part.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright; I was still inside.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I mix my water myself—two parts H and one part O.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had break out of my car with a coat hanger.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I recently got a new camera. It's really new, I mean Really new.. you don't even need it.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I saw a friend recently. He asked why I hadn't called him. I told him I can't call everyone I want because my new phone has no 5 on it. He asked me how long I had had the phone, but I couldn't tell him because my calendar has no sevens on it.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and seven people died.

I think it's wrong that the game Monopoly is made by only one company.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but ice cubes went up my nose.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I want to get a full body tattoo of myself, only bigger.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...

I was cleaning out my closet and I found this old bathing suit I'd made out of sponges. I remember when I wore it to the pool. When I left, and no one could go swimming until I came back.

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a car that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't think I want to work for you."

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

I was reading the dictionary; I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

Subject: Re: Steven Wright Quotes Sun Mar 18, 2007 9:02 pm

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I woke up one day and everything in the apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I said to my roommate "Can you believe this? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"

I worked as a parking attendant at Logan Airport, I parked jets. They had to let me go though because I kept locking the keys in them. One day I was on an 86 foot stepladder trying to get in the window with a coat hanger.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'm a very difficult size to shop for; I'm an extra-medium.

I'm going to court next week. I've been selected for jury duty. It's kind of an insane case -- 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant. I don't think they did it.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. When it's finished I'm going to sue myself.

In my new house there's a switch on the wall that doesn't do anything, so for fun I'd just flick it up and down, over and over. Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany. It just said, "Cut it out."

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas. I just think about it.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If toast always lands butter-side down,and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio every time I park?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Last year me and my friend George drove across the country. We switched every half mile. We only had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I can't remember what it was.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So when I'm waiting in her office I eat an entire bag of Oreo cookies. Sometimes she has to cancel all her other appointments.

My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

One day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

One time I woke up in the middle of the night and I was hungry. I went to the convenience store and noticed it was closed. The sign said "Open 24 hours" and there was a guy locking the door. I said "Hey, your sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Not in a row!"

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. My neighbors called the police. They thought there was lightning in my house.

Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.

The other day I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...

This girl told me she was a nymphomaniac but was only attracted to Jewish cowboys... I said, 'My name is Bucky Goldstein.'

This isn't all true.

Tinsel is really snake mirrors.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child, eventually.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?

Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why does lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "You have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Winnie and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

You know that feeling when you're leaning back in a chair, and then you lean back too far and start to fall and just at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Subject: Re: Steven Wright Quotes Sun Mar 18, 2007 11:34 pm

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included - so I had to buy them again.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in 8 minutes.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it.

If sometimes you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Borrow money from pessimists—they don't expect it back.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Half the people you know are below average.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before
we met.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I'm totally insane. I'm so wired. I'm sweating internally.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.'

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Subject: Re: Steven Wright Quotes Sun May 13, 2007 9:28 pm

Sponges grow in the ocean...that kills me! Steven Wright Quotes Msn_wink

Subject: Steven Wright biography Wed Apr 30, 2008 9:23 pm

Mercilessly stolen from his official website at http://www.stevenwright.com ,which i obtained from his webmistress Erin,a mutual friend.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.

Steven Wright Quotes Sw04

Books by Steven Wright
The following is a list of books written by Steven Wright that are available nowhere:

Phyllis and Her Eyelids: The story of a man living in a semi-parallel universe who is arrested for inventing hockey.

The Rats and The Scum: History of politicians.

The Slut and The Monkey: The history of marriage.

Skip the Wonder Horse: Set in the late 1600's in Holland. The story of a homosexual race horse that can see into the future.

The Chinese Envelope: Set during the Ming Dynasty. The story of an all-girl school made entirely of mirrors.

Daddy's Under My Bed: The story of a 90 year old still-born butler who's in love with his own shadow.

Freud: The story of an insane old man with way too much influence.

Jesus and Santa Claus: The story of two middleweight boxers in Berlin in the early 1900's.

The Carnival Man: The history of the world if time didn't exist.

Pretty Girls: The story of the end of all civilizations and why evolution is a mistake.

Stanley and the Magic Penny: Hitler's life story if he'd never been born, seen through the eyes of Dorothy Hamill.

The Tall Blue Cloud: The story of a Cajun menu that tries to take over the world.

The Beach by Steven Wright

Originally Published in Rolling Stone Magazine - Summer 1986

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT THE BEACH.

I, Phillip, a small boy of twelve, lay exhausted, not knowing if I was sleeping or if I was daydreaming that I was sleeping. Gently I rocked back in forth in my hammock, a hammock woven out of the eyelashes of 1000 deer. There was always a gentle breeze at the top of the 300-foot stainless-steel trees where my hammock was located. All the trees were stainless-steel in the Shiny National Forest. Some of the trees had been sawed down and cut into 60-foot lengths, then sold as flagpoles to people who lived in reality, many, many years away. I had never worked so hard in my life as in these past few hours. My clothes proved that I had labored, stained with confusion, compliments and criticism, all things that are not machine washable.

I was living on Water Island. A small island, sizewise. The island had no shore. All islands are above sea level, but this was ridiculous. The entire land mass was 200 feet above the ocean. All sand. Not one human had ever been near the water. And why the hell should they? You don't see fish trying to get on the roofs of buildings.

The year was a very long time ago. The island was ruled by a king. King Sammy. King Sammy lived in the Great Formica Castle, located at the bottom of Sand Valley. The king experienced temporary insanity every day. The Formica grew wild. There was much Formica left over after the castle was completed. The extra Formica would be sold to people who lived in reality, many, many years away. Nobody ever imagined that parts of King Sammy's castle would end up in kitchens.

The king was the king because he controlled gravity. That was the only reason he was king. Which was good enough when you think about it. If he didn't like you for any reason, he would snap his fingers and you would float higher and higher until he snapped them again and you would stay at that height forever or until he brought you back down again, maybe.

People were living at different heights all over the place. The people the king hated the most were very high up in the sky, sitting on stainless-steel chairs. The people who who lived in reality, many, many years away, would look into the sky and invent the word "star." They would also invent the word "shooting star," which was actually a person on a chair that the king was moving to another position.

The reason I lived in a hammock at 300 feet was I was a waiter at the castle, and one night, entranced by the beauty of the king's niece, I accidentally served soup on flat dishes. I smiled at the young girl, the king snapped his fingers, and I went up through a skylight and have been living at 300 feet ever since. I overtook Styrofoam Canyon.

To please King Sammy and again live on the ground was indeed my goal. I was notified of my chance to do this one day at about an hour before the beginning of time. A bird flew to my hammock delivering a small letter. An invitation to possible fate. It was from the king himself. It said, "Dear Phillip: As you know, this year I will be celebrating my birthday on August 11th. If you can arrange a unique festival I will again allow you to live on the ground or at least at eye level and maybe date my niece, Princess Sammintine. I know your great-great-grandfather invented socializing. That is why I'm giving you this chance. If not, I'm sure you will be reaching further heights. Sincerely, King Sammy."

Actually my great-great-grandfather was really a hermit and invented socializing just as a joke.

So here was my chance to redeem myself and live on the ground again. I decided I would go to sleep and dream about what to do. Often I would wave goodbye when I went to sleep. As a small boy I would sometimes sleep with my eyes open so all my dreams would take place in my room. It was raining. There was a great rainbow. Rainbows over Water Island were made of a light plastic.

I was standing on a cliff looking out into the great ocean. The ocean was called Land Ocean. Just then a herd of deer ran by. None of them had eyelashes.

The water was beautiful. The king loved water. Hmmm hmm. The king was very fond of water, to the point where he installed a pool that surrounded the entire castle. Other kings would later copy this idea.

King Sammy could not swim. People who were great swimmers were despised by the king and forced to live on twelve-foot chairs. My dream then switched to housekeeping, which startled me awake.

Yes, yes, the king loved water. If only Water Island had a shore.

I began to work. I got rid of the sand the only way I knew how, I vacuumed it. Night and day I vacuumed until the sand on Water Island got lower and lower, closer to the ocean. Inadvertently, I was inventing the beach.

It was the night of August 10th. I needed much help. So I hired hundreds of small children to help remove the sand. I gave them little plastic buckets and little plastic shovels. The children removed tons of sand. They worked very hard, although they thought they were playing.

Soon the land was level with the water. An unusually beautiful sight to see for the first time: the shore, the beach. I walked up and down this peaceful area trying to avoid the broken glass.

I wrote a letter to King Sammy. "Dear King Sammy: Meet me where I'm going to be. Sincerely, Phillip."

I then prepared the festival. I brought loads of food and ale packed in boxes that were built in the Styrofoam Canyon. I brought small, horizontal fireplaces that stood on little legs. I hired a group of minstrels who could only play music too loud.

Fate lessons of the past and present were now in session. Tradition was about to begin. King Sammy arrived at the beach with fifteen court jesters, his wife, Edna, Princess Sammintine, and several other men and women who were walking around at different heights. Some of them he really didn't like and made them arrive in their underwear. People in reality would do this willingly, many, many years away.

The minstrels began to play. The king danced with the waves. I danced with the shadow of the king, and the idea of Princess Sammintine kissed the back of my memory of the events that took place.

We drank until we almost drowned on land.

A seventy-two-year-old childhood friend of the king cut the plastic rainbows into circles and filled them with air to create colorful bouncing balls. As the king snapped his fingers to the music, people were flying up and down all over the beach. The children with plastic buckets were now heavily into the construction of little castles made of sand, so the king would feel at home.

The more the king drank, the more he liked the people, and the more he liked the people, the lower they were to the ground.

Soon people were actually lying down on little cotton flags all over the beach.

I invited a few of the great swimmers on twelve-foot chairs. The king ordered them to stay in their chairs unless someone was drowning. They wore bright orange shorts.

I had a waterproof pen. The ocean was very calm. The king wanted bigger waves. So I drew huge waves on the ocean. The ships didn't understand.

As the madness continued, I made my way over to Princess Sammintine. I asked her if she wanted a massage. She said, "Yes, but not physically." I said, "How do you like the beach?" She said, "Well, it's kind of sandy." I apologized for the beach's being sandy. Then I said, "Will you marry me?" She said, "No, you're boring, and besides I've seen fatter legs on a bird."

I smiled at Princess Sammintine and accidentally served clam chowder on flat dishes. The king snapped his fingers, and I went up 300 feet onto my hammock in the sky.

I lay there swinging in the breeze, knowing that a situation like that would never take place again.

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